Heartbeat
by Falling Tears of Death
Summary: And really it makes sense because really—Envy isn’t more than that anyway.edvy Dont own them. RR


A/N: This is my first and more than likely last ed/envy story ever. Stuff written _like so_ are flashbacks to times Ed and envy spent together though that is probably very obvious when you read. Stuff written like this are the actual ramblings going on in Envy's head now. This is dedicated to the one and only Indigo's Ocean because she loves this pairing though I'm sure when I told her I had an idea she probably didn't expect this.

--First double-cross her heart  
He wants to start a family  
She always thought she would not.  
If she weren't writing in blood  
She'd bring him her jokes  
A new liver  
And a shovel for the mud  
If he were not knee-deep in mud  
He'd bring her his drugs  
He'd get her a typewriter--Metric

_&&_

_Ed's tan yet dangerous hands are roaming the expanse of Envy's sleek body. His lips kissing and caressing every inch of skin, softly, gently as if with a lover. Everything he's doing is just so __**perfect**__…as if he was created just for this purpose alone—to torture and worship Envy's god- like beauty. Or maybe it's the other way around….everything he's doing is just too perfect…as if __**Envy **__was created just for this purpose alone._

If anyone ever asked Envy how he winded up in this…he more than likely wouldn't have an answer. If anyone ever asked Envy was _this_ even was….still no answer. Some days this is a lot of things, everything…and other days this is nothing, just something. However the one thing Envy **does** know is whatever **this** is….it is not love. It can't be love, will never be love, does not spurn from love, and has absolutely nothing to do with love. So Envy decides he's not going to worry about this, decides its one of those grey things, decides it doesn't even matter anyway, decides that Ed will die or get bored sooner or later.

_Usually Envy let's Ed have his way with him. He thinks Ed gets off on being in power for once…to, even if only for a few minutes, not have to chase a dream, a promise, not have his chain pulled like the military dog he is. But sometimes Ed lets Envy have his way with him. Envy doesn't mind either way…he knows Ed gets off on this too…if even for only a few moments—that feeling of being at someone else's mercy…that feeling of not being __**The **__FullMetal Alchemist and all the power that title contained. So Envy tugs and bites and scratches, making it hurt, leaving a mark in a way Ed can never mark him (just don't think about it, don't think about it.) His hands are roaming, not exploring because he knows Ed's body better than any other, and he's whispering nothings into Ed's perfect ear...nothings, just nothings because people have describe Envy's actions in many words…some being cruel, sadistic, self-serving….but never sweet. Envy's a lot of things but he's not sweet….and this __**thing **__with Ed hasn't changed that._

Even though he doesn't worry about it….Envy does think about it. Some days he gets the feeling that Ed wants more. Or at least he gets the feeling Ed is pretending this is more.

"_Can you look like him? Just this once, please, please, please.(1)" Ed's begging. He never begs. Envy decides he doesn't very much like Ed drunk. Honestly what he thinks is he might hate this side of Ed._

Actually Envy isn't really sure why Ed is doing this. Why Ed won't just end this **thing**. Not that it matters. Not that he cares…because Envy doesn't care about anything but….still. He does get curious from time to time. Sometimes he just wants to know…what is Ed getting out of this? He's sure somewhere in that answer, in this equation that makes this **thing** work…he's sure someone is getting used. Maybe it's him…maybe its Ed…though more than likely it's both of them. That's ok…Envy is accustomed to being used and even more accustomed to using people. Doesn't bother him not one bit. Though Ed…well he can't say whether or not any of this even matters to him.

"_You know Envy, sometimes I think about Al." Envy remains quite he's almost sure this is one of those keep your silence moments. Contrary to popular belief he does have people skills…he just usually opts not to use them. "Sometimes I think if I couldn't have gotten his body back. If he had died…would I have….would he be just like…(2)" Envy doesn't let him finish and instead shoves his tongue roughly down Ed's throat. They fall into tense silence. Envy hates it. "Would it matter? Would he be less….(3)" Envy stops himself. This is one of the things they just don't think about. Or at least they try to pretend they don't._

Actually, it's hard for Envy to imagine how Ed would **feel **about anything at all. He's never been…well he's never….well….he's just never had the range of feelings Ed can have (don't think about it, just don't think about it.) Sometimes he wonders what it would be like to know. What it would be like if….just if….

"_Even I have standards Edo. Sex with an animal! Not just an animal… a pig! There are some things...like sex with fat people or sex with old people but a PIG! Its not even __**human**__…its just…" Envy would have said weird if Ed hadn't cut him off. Envy would have just said weird and everything would have been fine if Ed didn't open his big mouth. But then again its this __**thing**__, its not a fairytale, Envy is not __**good**__ enough for fairytales…its just a __**thing **__so Ed just opens his mouth, cuts him off and… "well your not human either Envy, are you calling me…." Before Ed can even finish his sentence Envy is half way out the door. "Envy, wait I didn't mean to hurt you." And there is a horrible laughter bubbling out of Envy's mouth as he realizes just how pathetic all of this really is becoming. What a frickin mess they are making of everything. "Oh, but Edo…remember I'm not human. You can't" Its then that very moment the silent decision is made-- that's just one of things they can never talk about, think about, even dream about because this __**thing**__…this fragile __**thing**__ doesn't allow it. _

Would this be different? Would this be more than a thing? Could he and Ed? Could he and just someone, anyone? If he could just be….maybe if he was….

"_You know Envy we can't do this forever." Envy does know but he's sure his logic is entirely different from his short….lover?companion? "One day this will get too confusing. One day one of us will fall in love and…" Envy rolls his eyes and puts his hands reassuringly on Ed's thigh. "I can't ever fall in love with you Edo." This time Ed walks out. Envy doesn't follow him. He doesn't feel guilty. He's not sure if he can feel guilty. Which is what he meant when he said he can't fall in love with Ed. It wasn't because it was Ed it was just because Envy can't love. Actually Envy __**can't**__ when it comes to a lot of emotions. The only emotions he's sure of are anger, envy, amusement, hate, disgust and every single kind of emotion that never grows into something beautiful but instead turn endlessly back on themselves like a snake slithering in a perfect circle…always coming back where it started._

If he was human, well if he was **human** (don't think about it, just **don't** think about it.) But Envy can't **not** think about it this time. This time this is different like this is the edge of something, some change, some turning point…something.

"_Ed if I was real, if I was…" And this time Ed kisses him, effectively stopping any words from forming from his lips. Oh this __**thing**__, this __**fragile**__ thing. It's just a snake circling endlessly. _

If He were human would this be different. This **thing**, this pointless, meaningless **thing**…would it grow into more? Would this feeling? This slight….attachment? This tolerance of Ed's presence? This thing that is nothing, and everything, and grey and black and white and silent and deafening and so easy to lose like sand through their hands yet so hard to get ride of like tar staining their skin…would it ever…could it ever be love? If Envy could just feel it, could just learn to feel it, could just….

_Envy's porcelain hands traced the cool metal of Ed's automail. "When I was a kid Envy, when I first lost my arm and Al lost his body I used to pray for the blue fairy. Doesn't that sound stupid?" Envy isn't sure how he knows what the blue fairy is, isn't sure how the story of Pinocchio is ringing in his head, so maybe some human memories are left in him because he's sure he feels something kind of like…sympathy…no empathy and he says "I'm sure your not the only one."_

But Envy can't even think to imagine what that would be like; what feeling like that would be like. He's not even sure if it would make a difference. Some people…well some things in his case…weren't meant for happily ever after. This is his fate, his torture—to be bound to shell after shell each one lasting years and years and to live pointlessly. To have his life be nothing more than a circle, an unfulfilling, un-ending circle. Everything just turning back on itself. Everything just turning back on him…chewing him up and spitting him out just to start over again. No wonder Greed…. (Don't think about it, just don't think about it.)

_Ed's hair is loose falling down into Envy's face. His hands are lightly massaging Envy's scalp and he thinks it feels…nice? Well its ok…very ok. He thinks this __**thing**__…whatever it is—he can get used to it._

Envy thinks he will just stop thinking about it. It's pointless really. Things were better when he didn't think about it, when he just called it grey and didn't worry about it. This was just a **thing**. And this **thing**…whatever it is…is all Envy can ever have…ever give. Its not love. But it's like love, similar to love, done in the image of love, akin to love….synthetic love. And really it makes sense because really—Envy isn't more than that anyway.

&&

--If I had a heart this is where it would be

And it would beat for you—

A/N: (1): I am a Roy/Ed fan and I had to throw it in somewhere!!

(2) The question Ed was wondering was would he have ended up making Al a Homunculi…would he be like Envy.

(3) Envys thought in response too Ed's unsaid question is would he be less human? Not psychically but in Ed's mind and heart would it make a difference?

REVIEW!


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